UNDERSTANDING NARCISSISM

Narcissism is about self-absorption. So great is the narcissist's need for validation that they fail to recognise that ALL people are worthy of respect and consideration. The only thing that matters to a narcissist is that THEY are heard and respected.

From the moment that we are born we become the centre of someone's universe. We accept and expect our needs to be met and for the vast majority of us, our BASIC needs will have been met. We will have been regularly fed, changed, clothed and provided with toys. Narcissism tends to become a behaviour pattern when our emotional needs are ignored or rejected.

All human beings are born selfish. The ability to see beyond our own needs and consider the needs of others develops as we mature. Consider the toddler who sees another child playing with a toy that they want to have. They will shamelessly snatch the toy from the other child's hand and will only refrain from such actions when their behaviour has been corrected.

However, the correction can be done lovingly - which respects the value of the child's worth, or it can be done angrily - which will shame the child and diminish their self-worth. When shame and guilt are regularly used to discourage unwanted behaviour, children receive the message that they are 'bad' and they often grow into adults with a powerful need for validation from those around them. Lack of attention also creates a need to be noticed and heard.

Narcissism often results when people have been subjected to an upbringing where their sense of self-worth has been consistently diminished, but where they have angrily resisted the implied message of worthlessness on a conscious level, even if they have accepted it on a sub-conscious level. From this anger, whether it is expressed aggressively or passively; stems a need for control.

Narcissists do not see themselves the same way that others do. In their eyes, their attitudes and behaviours are justified. They believe whole-heartedly that they are right and that anybody who does not agree with them is wrong. However, as with many things in life, there are degrees of distortion. Some people can be heavily narcissistic; demonstrating an over-whelming need to control everything and everyone around them, whilst others may only be mildly narcissistic; needing to control their immediate surroundings and possibly resenting the need to consider the wants of others, but having the wisdom to know when to shut up, even if they don't agree and do not respect what they are hearing.

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